Friday, December 12, 2008

12/12/08 - Here We Go

Oh, dear, I've started another blog. I was keeping up on MySpace, but, well.... Maybe it's best to have a blog that doesn't need a social network to support, que no?

I've been thinking about doing this for awhile, with the idea of ranting and raving however I so choose. I'd like to challenge myself to be open and not censor a single thought with regards to who reads this. For example, do my brother and dad really want to know my thoughts on bikini waxing? Should be an interesting post, to be sure.

For now, I'm just going to keep this simple and say that nothing is simple right now. Life is definitely taking a turn and I don't know where to. When I start to stress out, it seems like my body handles it in a myriad of ways: I get nightmares, usually concerning zombies; I can't sleep, just like tonight, (this morning?); I break out. Right now, I'd prefer zombie dreaming versus the other two options, but no such luck.

See, awhile ago I decided that I needed to quit my two jobs. I wasn't happy being a personal assistant, and I wasn't happy working as a massage therapist. I was also tired of this independent work, as I am not too keen on bookkeeping and taxes, and have screwed myself royally in that department. I thought, I'll get an office job! Won't that cure all? I'll get one job, work 9 to 5, and it'll be SO easy to get it!

Not so much.

There were other factors in quitting. I had a friend who I lined up to take over for me as a personal assistant. She was working 3 jobs, shitty hours, and was still not making enough. She knew she could cut back and survive on two if I let her take over for me. She was on the verge of moving out, and truth to be told, I was just sitting on my ass. So I decided that she could take over for me, and I'll just bump up my hours at the day spa I'm at. Well, talk about bad freaking timing. Let's have our recession officially hit, why don't we? People don't want to spoil themselves, people don't spend money, and day spas can't pay their therapists.

It's been an interesting couple of months, I tell ya. I've sent out more resumes than I ever have before. I've signed up through 3 temp agencies, all to no avail, and the only thing that is keeping me afloat right now is the kindness of my friends. Granted, I'm offering them massage in return, but they could easily decide not to help me. I am definitely at their mercy, otherwise, I'm pretty sure that Mom would get her wish, and I'd move up home.

I feel that if I can just make it through this month, I'll be all right. I've never been so lacking in money before. It's amazing that I'm really in the position to decide whether to spend $20 on gas or food. And let's not even talk about my bills! What I'm earning through friends and the occasional temp job is all going towards saving up for rent for this month. There are times I just would like to sit and cry and stress the fuck out.

The tricky thing is to keep positive. There are times I could just sit and cry with the gratitude I feel. It is sometimes a huge effort to just make myself get up and surround myself with the things or people that make me happy. Sometimes I actually do sit down and make a list of all the good things in my life so I know it's not all crap. And it works! Until the next round of Bummerness hits.

Tonight's insomnia was from a combination of everything. Of course, stressing over how you're not getting enough sleep, and stressing over stressing while you run out of time to sleep in, is never helpful.

This first post has not really been as fun as I'm hoping my other ones will be. But it is what it is. I can't wait to figure out how Blogger works so I can do nifty things on it. I does my brother upload his pics from his iPhone? Or is it the iPhone people only who are special enough to do that? Hmmm.

I shall end this first post with a little Dave Matthews Band. (Totally makes me happy, that can be another topic to go on and on about, trust me). It's a good little pick-me-up, just for me.

Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We'll make the best of what's around