It's Really Hard to be Pollyanna Right Now

Whenever a friend is having a hard time, I try really hard to find the positive. For example, Trina had locked herself out last night while walking Scruffles. She called me to get the key, and I'm thinking at least she had her cell phone so she could call me. At least Lorelei lives close to us, so she could get a ride over to me. It helps make the world a brighter place. Some people don't want the sunshine shoved up their ass when they're in a funk, and I respect that. Later, if they're so willing, I'll add in my Pollyanna Two Cents, and it seems to help a bit.

It's really hard to do this for myself. Especially when it comes to my lack of funds and when my car takes affect on the lackage. (Yeah, I know that's not a word).

Two weeks ago, I had to take my car in for a strange rattling sound that shouldn't be ignored. My parents helped me pay for it. If they hadn't, I'd be taking a bus and learning to ride public transit from West LA to the Valley, and hassling my friends for rides home. I know lots and lots of people take public transit. Monica did it for months, bless her heart. You need a car to live in this town, because taking the damn bus is not convenient!! Every time my car has some problem that's not a flat and not getting in an accident, I freak out. FREAK.OUT. (I'm so used to those other annoying problems. It's why I have AAA, so it's taken care of).

The point of all this? My car again died last night making strange noises as I pulled into the neighborhood of where I'm cat-sitting. An overwhelming sense of doom flooded over me. Again? I don't have money to pay for this shit. My folks are running out of their own funds, and I'm not helping. Every worst-case scenario starts popping in my head. For just this week alone, not having a car accessible is going to screw me royally. Thank god I'm in a show with people who live close to me.

I am ready to just break down and cry and give up. Is this some Divine Test? WTF am I supposed to do? Keep pushing forward, right? Well, it really doesn't seem like I can do that right now. I'm barely hanging in there as it is. My sanity has reached its peak. I really, really want to just give up. I'll be a working drone in a cubicle. Obviously, money is more important than pursuing one's dreams. Despite the genorosity of my friends these past few months, maybe I'm just a waste of time and effort.

Agh. Ugh. I hate feeling like this. It's really, really hard for me to have something to think positively about. Right now it's hard to feel grateful. Because everything right now just keeps revolving in the same circles. Blagh.

Of course, I could just be over-reacting, and it'll be a nice simple thing to be fixed, it'll cost less than $100, and I can keep on, keepin' on. Maybe I should still put the Acting Dream on hold and just frickin' work. Be a drone for an office. Get my financial feet on the ground. It'll be soul-killing, but it would maybe a good change of pace to not get in a place like this. I volley back and forth every time. I still can't make up my mind.

Really, I'd like a miracle to happen. That'd be awesome. Someone gives me a lot of money to be an actor. Someone gives me a brand new car. A Knight in Shining Armor arrives, whisks me away, and all my troubles are gone - I live in splendor, my family does as well, my Knight and have wonderful fulfilling lives, we travel, we have multitudinous children for my parents to finally be grandparents, I fly my friends all over the world - and I have a car that's good to the environment, has power windows, and has a nice stereo system. Really, is that so much to ask? Haven't I earned that yet? Sigh.

I have to say, I feel a bit better for venting this all out there. Sorry you had to read it. The stress level has gone down a bit, and now I just wait and see what the outcome is. Aarrgh.

Time....

The finger is hanging in there. I now feel comfortable walking around without a band-aid on. I have been documenting it, and hope to do a silly little photo essay on the progress it goes under. Right now, it still hurts when I bang it, and it feels a bit numb. It's strange to say the least.

It has occurred to me that I will not have a free weekend until June. While this means I'm involved in a fantastic show with wonderful friends - I'm a little bummed. Because it's just hit me that for the past 6 weeks I've been involved with 2 other shows! Gee, I wonder why my brain has felt a bit fried the past month. Working on 3 shows at a time is a wee time consuming. Yeah, I've been doing Project 22, and rehearsing for The Country Wife, but every weekend for the past 5 weeks, I've been backstage helping change costumes. 3 shows at once. I get it now.

I want to get in a visit to my family, but it looks like the only way I'm going to do that is take time off work, and that's a bit of a bummer since money is tight anyway. But onwards and sideways, I can make it work. .... Just as long as my car does. If you have free prayer time, let it go to the Car Gods.

Hey, I'm turning 32 next week! (On Wednesday the 8th, for those of you keeping track at home). Crazy! I may be getting older, but I don't think I'm growing up. I would love to take advantage of Disneyland letting me attend for free on my birthday, but it's just not in the cards. I have to work, and there's a run-through of my Country Wife show. I think my birthday celebration will come with friends while playing on stage. I won't even have time to make weekend celebrations. C'est la vie. Last year it was celebrated by watching Young Frankenstein with good friends at the Ark, and then a birthday dinner at Cafe 50s with other good friends. Maybe when I hit 35 I'll have a big party. It'll be on a Friday then - it'll be perfect.

Aside from craving Free Time where I get to bask in doing nothing, (because everything's been taken care of - like laundry), I crave pampering. Months and months without massage and a facial is torture, I'm telling you. Some of you may think that's a bit indulgent, and maybe it is, but it's good for the soul, and valuable for a healthy state of being. It becomes more and more apparent as my back is not letting me turn my neck too far in either direction, my face is breaking out, and I ache. Blach. One day, one day soon, I hope....

There's lots in the air, I hope to concentrate on the good so it'll keep feeding and growing into more Good in all areas of my life. I'll keep you posted.

Things and Things

Every day, my actor friends and I are trying to figure out ourselves and what we're really pursuing. Is it right? Should I have left town? Do I work 5 part-time jobs so I can go audition and be in theater and or films? Do I just ignore the money issue and just go, go, go? These questions seem to be the constant themes in our lives, even for those of my friends who do book commercials and/or scenes - we're in a constant state of WTF am I doing with my life?

So here's me trying to find a balance. On top of all those questions, I'm beginning to figure out how to manage my stress, working out, trying to appreciate my body, working out, eating better, etc., etc. All these higher concepts of Life, the Universe, and Everything Else....

This morning, I get up early enough to make myself some food and prepare a hopefully tasty lunch of chicken and salad. I'm boiling eggs for breakfast.... I find that I can't open the bag of salad, I can't find scissors to open the bag, and so I grab a big sharp knife to open the bag. And what do I proceed to do? Open the bag and my left index finger. The tippity top of the finger is gone. So there's me trying to hold calm while I'm bleeding profusely and searching for band-aids in the apartment where I'm house-sitting, and kittens are following me back and forth, hopping on the counter where I've finally found band-aids.... I finally get myself bandaged up. I put an icepack around my finger so it's numb.... But now I need to get the eggs out, since they are so hard-boiled by now. I go to grab the handle with my other hand...ouch! I forgot - the pot handle gets hot and I need a mit to grab it! So now I've slightly burnt my right hand!

And what does this all mean?

It means pay the fuck attention to what you're fucking doing, Patty!!! Don't get so caught up in all the bullshit that is running around in your little head.

I find it amazing that I've been able to survive this long. I think I wouldn't do so well to carry on the human race if it wasn't for modern technology. If it was me stranded on a deserted island, I don't think I'd last longer than a week. Just sayin'.....

For Stephaine and Sadi (& My Family)

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A Long Time In the Making

When I first moved down to Los Angeles in October '05, I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I weighed 234. I think it just accumulated over time for whatever reasons, and I felt like I could never work out. When I moved and I was ready to begin exercising, I joined Curves and kept track of my weight loss. I had initially lost about 30 pounds, and gained back about 10 and just plateaued forever and a day.

We're sedentary people, we Robinsons. We like being active, sure, but we prefer to stay home and watch movies. We also like to munch on the yummy stuff. Put that together, and over time of course, we Robinsons are full of a lot of love and fluff.

I've always thought it was important to lose weight for yourself - not for anyone else - not for a bet - just for when you're ready to do it. Which I guess it's why it's taken me this long to get my butt in gear. I submit to you Exhibit A:

I was a big girl.

It's kinda neat to know that I've come such a long way. There are times it really feels like I haven't changed and all, and I'm not happy with the way I look now. A couple of weeks ago I was pretty upset with myself and how I looked when all the pictures for Project 22 came out. I thought I looked horrible. I was in a bit of a funk. And then I found a DVD from a Jepoardy audition I did before I moved. And it put everything in perspective. Sure, I looked like a nice girl, but I also was extremely uncomfortable in my body, and boy did it show in how I was holding myself.

Fast forward to meeting Genie last summer and our crazy desire to run a marathon. I've lead a more active life than I've ever had, and I've started eating better as well. (Look Mom and Dad, I'm eating broccoli! Mmmm). Only now has it just started to kick in that I'm feeling better than I thought I could. I'm actually looking forward to working out, because Genie's my inspiration on how nice and buff she's gotten just from doing yoga. Not to mention all the hiking and running that she does....

This past weekend I went shopping for the first time in a long time. Money's been short, and finally my last pair of jeans just gave up. It was time. And oh my god, what a pleasure to fit into clothes that I've never been able to fit into! For you women folk out there, I used to wear an 18, and now I'm at a 12. Holy Schnizzle. I used to think this was the ideal that I wanted to get myself down to - as of this morning I weighed 183. I've lost 51 pounds! Again, Holy Gee Wow. Now I know I'm feeling better, and people are telling me I'm looking better, but I find that I don't want to stop here. I want to keep going. The BMI says the ideal weight for me is around 130 to 140. At 190 it still said I was Obese. But now, now it says I'm just Overweight. So that's nice. It's an improvement.

I know it's not all about numbers. It's how you feel. Well, I want to keep feeling good. And I want to feel better! And here's the most recent picture of me that I can find. No, I'm not svelte, but it's better than it was.
This is from the opening night of Project 22, two weeks ago. I don't usually try and talk numbers about my weight. It makes me feel uncomfortable. And, yeah, I'm still pretty uncomfortable in my body. But I think I'm going to let myself feel a bit of pride right now. I didn't think it was really possible for me to feel good about myself. I didn't think it was possible for me to lose weight. Yeah, I know my arms still have that "Grandma Arm Syndrome" but it's all a process. And I'm just telling myself that it will get better over time if I just keep this up. So hear's to just keeping this up.

What the F Have I Been Up To?

Life has gotten pretty busy lately, I must say. Between two jobs, and two shows in the works, keeping on my life has taken a back burner. I find that really, the only time to play on the computer and blog is now down to happening at work. Of course, I've been holding that off for quite sometime, because who wants to blog at work, especially since I don't have a cubicle and I'm all exposed.....

The two jobs are working for Actors Access answering phones and providing technical support to those who have no clue. Working for Freshi is endearingly fun, as I get to play with elementary school kids and teach them how to make films. Funnily enough, those kids know more than I do on how to use the equipment and are teaching me.

The two shows are my first improv show at The Hothouse - Project 22. I've been taking improv classes since last summer, and at this point, it's like graduation. Of course, we're all still learning what it's like to perform, which is really the point of the whole show. And boy oh boy, is it fun and scary all at the same time. It's definitely something to get used to and learn about.That's the poster for our show. Mom doesn't like that you can't see me as well. So here's another fun one:

The other show I'm involved with is The Country Wife with the Ark Theatre Company. It's a restoration comedy, and since last year our production of The London Cuckolds went over so well, we figured we'd do it again. As in last year's show, I get to play the saucy maid. We're just two weeks into rehearsals, and it's gonna be pretty damn fun. Luckily enough, we have a lot of the same fun people from last year and some wonderful new additions. Gonna be lots of fun with lots of costumes. Whoopee!!

I've also been trying to get back on track with working out. I'm struggling to alternate yoga and jogging every other day. Some weeks are good, some not so much. My running has taken a downward turn. Sad, isn't it? Just a couple of weeks ago I ran 3 miles for the first time ever. And it's been hell trying to get back to that. Luckily enough, Genie and I are so strapped for cash we haven't signed up for any marathons, so there are no impending dates. I guess the point is to just keep training and when we're ready to sign up, training to get up tot 26 miles won't be as difficult. Unfortch, I've been eating lots and lots of crappy food lately. And I felt like I had no will power. So Genie and I have gone back on the Kirsch Diet we did last fall. No carbs, lots of veggies and good protein from turkey, chicken, or fish. And since I don't like fish, it's just chicken and turkey for me! Right now we're on the 5th day out of 14. It's not as bad this time around. Still tricky, yes, but this time not as torturous. We'll see how I feel around day 9.

Money is still tricky. I still get by on the grace and generousity of friends by trading massage or they actually pay me for massage. I am still planning on taking the CBEST, my friend Anna helped pay for the test, and I owe her. Of course, just because I take the test, it doesn't mean that I'll be a substitute teacher overnight. So in the meantime, I'm ignoring the debt collectors and making sure that I can pay my rent, buy food and take care of my phone. I also have people to pay back since they loaned me money. I'm more worried about being in debt to friends than to businesses. Lord knows my friends need it more than those other guys.

Life is good though. I'm surrounded by good people, I have a roof over my head, and I get furry friends to amuse me. So, I'm not rolling in the dough (yet), I'm grateful for what I have, and I know I'm on the right road for more abundance in my life.