Tuesday, March 31, 2009

It's Really Hard to be Pollyanna Right Now

Whenever a friend is having a hard time, I try really hard to find the positive. For example, Trina had locked herself out last night while walking Scruffles. She called me to get the key, and I'm thinking at least she had her cell phone so she could call me. At least Lorelei lives close to us, so she could get a ride over to me. It helps make the world a brighter place. Some people don't want the sunshine shoved up their ass when they're in a funk, and I respect that. Later, if they're so willing, I'll add in my Pollyanna Two Cents, and it seems to help a bit.

It's really hard to do this for myself. Especially when it comes to my lack of funds and when my car takes affect on the lackage. (Yeah, I know that's not a word).

Two weeks ago, I had to take my car in for a strange rattling sound that shouldn't be ignored. My parents helped me pay for it. If they hadn't, I'd be taking a bus and learning to ride public transit from West LA to the Valley, and hassling my friends for rides home. I know lots and lots of people take public transit. Monica did it for months, bless her heart. You need a car to live in this town, because taking the damn bus is not convenient!! Every time my car has some problem that's not a flat and not getting in an accident, I freak out. FREAK.OUT. (I'm so used to those other annoying problems. It's why I have AAA, so it's taken care of).

The point of all this? My car again died last night making strange noises as I pulled into the neighborhood of where I'm cat-sitting. An overwhelming sense of doom flooded over me. Again? I don't have money to pay for this shit. My folks are running out of their own funds, and I'm not helping. Every worst-case scenario starts popping in my head. For just this week alone, not having a car accessible is going to screw me royally. Thank god I'm in a show with people who live close to me.

I am ready to just break down and cry and give up. Is this some Divine Test? WTF am I supposed to do? Keep pushing forward, right? Well, it really doesn't seem like I can do that right now. I'm barely hanging in there as it is. My sanity has reached its peak. I really, really want to just give up. I'll be a working drone in a cubicle. Obviously, money is more important than pursuing one's dreams. Despite the genorosity of my friends these past few months, maybe I'm just a waste of time and effort.

Agh. Ugh. I hate feeling like this. It's really, really hard for me to have something to think positively about. Right now it's hard to feel grateful. Because everything right now just keeps revolving in the same circles. Blagh.

Of course, I could just be over-reacting, and it'll be a nice simple thing to be fixed, it'll cost less than $100, and I can keep on, keepin' on. Maybe I should still put the Acting Dream on hold and just frickin' work. Be a drone for an office. Get my financial feet on the ground. It'll be soul-killing, but it would maybe a good change of pace to not get in a place like this. I volley back and forth every time. I still can't make up my mind.

Really, I'd like a miracle to happen. That'd be awesome. Someone gives me a lot of money to be an actor. Someone gives me a brand new car. A Knight in Shining Armor arrives, whisks me away, and all my troubles are gone - I live in splendor, my family does as well, my Knight and have wonderful fulfilling lives, we travel, we have multitudinous children for my parents to finally be grandparents, I fly my friends all over the world - and I have a car that's good to the environment, has power windows, and has a nice stereo system. Really, is that so much to ask? Haven't I earned that yet? Sigh.

I have to say, I feel a bit better for venting this all out there. Sorry you had to read it. The stress level has gone down a bit, and now I just wait and see what the outcome is. Aarrgh.


  1. from where i stand i say you have so much more all ready then the things you listed in that last paragraph...you have family, you have friends, you have passion, you have talent, you have life!

    it's hard to not let it all pile up...you are strong...keep going...around the bend is another in a long series of miracles that are meant just for you.

    i just read this quote:
    "your life is your garden. your thoughts are the seeds. if you life isn't awesome, you've been watering the weeds."

    : )

  2. Don't forget the air conditioning in that dream car!