About a week and a half ago, I began The Artist's Way. It's a self-help book, you could say. It's a way for those of us feeling a little challenged to get back in tune with our creative side. Each chapter covers a week, and you examine and explore what and who you are. In general, you set time aside to write every morning, you take yourself on artist dates, and there are different tasks, big or small, to help you get in tune with yourself.
The first week was interesting. One of the tasks was to make a list of who your Monsters were. Who gave you the idea(s) that you weren't creative enough, that you weren't good enough? You list 'em, maybe write down an example, and then change those criticisms to affirmations. Crazily enough, I was stumped.
Who told me I was no good? Because I feel an honest apprehension about pursuing an acting career. Despite how much I want it, I am a feared. And you know what? After a ton of looking back, I think the last one to insult me and my talent, were my frenemies back in elementary school. I can't recall anyone saying I wasn't good, that I should give up. So really, aside from having assholes for friends back in school, it's ME telling myself all these negatives.
How did I learn to do this? Holy crap! I'm the only one who is getting in my way of achieving my dreams. Once I soaked that in, I knew that I had to change it. This is not an easy road to go down. My self-esteem has gotten pretty far wedged down. I find myself treating me to a positive thought, only to be followed by a negative one. Nuts, isn't it? It takes practice, I guess.
On Monday, I had a lovely heart to heart talk with a friend of mine who's been studying astrology for the past 5 years. We went over my chart. And aside from the given that I need small animals in my life (yay), and a 9 to 5 job would not be in my best interest, I learned some things about myself. You lovely readers make think this is a bunch of hooey, but trust me, this is no Times Daily Horoscope. It actually led to a lot more self-examination. I need a creative lifestyle, I need strong relationships in my life, I need independence. From the way it looked, she told me I had a lot going in my favor - but I just need to find my confidence and JUST DO IT.
I have a lot of fear and self-doubt. I need to work on that. I should know that I can apply myself in the direction that I want, and I can make things happen - good things. I think I need to find and prove to myself that I am worthy of these good things to come.
My plan for this summer is to apply myself in my creative outlets. Also, it's to find my self-worth. I'm going to continue The Artist's Way - it's a 13 week, um, exploration, you could say. And I'm only in the middle of week 2. I'm digging it.
Oh, and by the way, I apparently have a strong compulsion to Save the World. And you know what? That's very true. I've always liked to help out. Maybe I can find a nice way to weave that into my creative compulsion.